Memory lane for self.

you know what ? as much as i want to say i am ok, truth remains, i am affected.

it really is true how they say you aint know what you got till it's gone. both nigel and colin have spent so much of their time on me un-selfishly accompanying me till dawn breaks and just before i got to return them my gratitude, they have both been rudely snatched away from me.

the last week we spent together were fun. tho i can't recall exactly what we did. all i know were we ate and played and ate and walked. i really am touched by the way they somehow took care of me when i was sick.

it was already past 10pm and i was at marina with nigel n janelle playing pool ( i was basically just sleeping on the chair. too bloody tired. ) colin texted and asked if i'd seen a doctor and i was like no, is there any 24h clinic around bukit timah. i don't know if it's real or what but he went out of his house and searched for a clinic that opens till midnight. that was the first time i was so touched by colin.

IDK man. IDK if it was the emotions that play on people when they are sick or what but i WAS touched. anyway. so both nigel n colin accompanied me to the doc's. i wanted to go home after that but nigel insisted i had something to eat before i had my medicines. i was all it's ok blah blah i can get some bread from 7-11 yadee deedah but his insistence won. now that i think back, i know why i am so emotional with these 2 guys.

it's always been me, me and me when it comes to anything and everything. i am always the one looking out and after people. i consider myself a mother hen over my friends. but when it was nigel that was taking care and looking out for me, i felt........ weird. like fresh. like oh..... someone's looking out for me. like. IDK. no one has looked out for me in like what, ever. and so that day i was like a fucking baby eating my porridge while the guys talked. i fell asleep half-way listening. they woke me up and said it's time to go home. we'd usually go play pool and CS after eating but that day the boys walked me home. making me even more touched than i already was.

it's the subtle things that make me really emotional. like i was walking really slowly while crossing the road ( no energy. ) when all of a sudden, nigel turned back and pulled me away from the road cos they was an incoming car. fuck sia. typing this just made my nose sting and eyes watery. like i said all these things are so minor but i am wimping cos i am always the person doing all those to others but nigel was the first one to do it to me thats why i am touched. i always consider myself as a big sister, never the one to be taken care of thats why i am so emotional like a loser now. anyway. nigel'd turn back and ask me if i am ok cos i was walking so slow like a snail.

after they got me home nigel gave me a hug and told me to drink plenty of water cos i had to pass the toxics out. im really really appreciative of nigel and colin. they really really mean a lot to me even though it took me so long to realize.

now that i think back, nigel already told me he expected the worst and told me to take care cos he loves me as a friend. and i really do love him as a friend. damn. i really miss him. and it's not like i meet him every minute when he was here but now i really miss him. fuck the tears bloody hell. fuck. i love nigel !!!! as a friend, a really good friend. he even brought me dumplings to eat the day before dumpling festival. he even cut it for me. i just can't get rid of the last look in his eyes. the way he turned back and the sorrow in his eyes.

as for colin. i don't know him thaaaaat well but now that i sit down and think about it, he has been there for me every time i ton out. don't know if thats how u spell it or whatev. everytime i stay out, he will come and meet us and just stay with us. and mind u, i never do anything interesting. im always eating and just sitting, wasting time away. really. i still remember the first time ( i think ?? ) he stayed out with me and shariff. both of them accompanied me out from McSpicy to Mc breakfast and then to cold storage cos i wanted to work there. idk man. i cant out it in words. it's the subtle things that touch me.

anyway. i love both of them the way they are, whatever they did were done before i knew them and from what i know them of now, they arent what they have been.

pardon my english. damn rough. havent read or wrote in ages.

i have to get used to life without them now. no more seeing nigel in school, no more texting colin. no more killing and getting killed by colin in CS, no more life lessons from nigel. no more subway with nigel, no more good night texts from colin. no more of everything they do for a long while, joycy honey, you can do it. just be strong like you always have been and dont cry. dont crumble, dont fall.

it'll all  be over and we can all go back to the way things used to be.

im really really glad i made that first move to talk to nigel when he came to class.

and im really really glad i didn't shun away from colin like how i would if other guys texted me too much.

im just really glad i got the chance to know these 2 fine men.