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www.dayre.me/joyzyhanzy !!!!!!!!!!!!

UGH !!!!!!!!!!!! 

what's my password for this blogger ???? fuck fuck fuck I'm connected on my phone but I can't seem to guess my password on the laptop. I'm so afraid to sign out from my mobile for fear of losing my dear old dusty bloggie :'-(((((( fml fuck u password.

" your man isn't meant to be compared with. he's meant to spend your days with. "

truth be told, I've been one hella lucky bitch. I didn't look for love, hell I already lost the idea of what love is. was. I didn't see myself being tied down in a relationship. in other words, i was anti-love. but guess what ? love happened. love looked for me and i willingly succumbed.

after 22 years of existence, it's safe to say I've found my other. I know what you're thinking. oh what do I know about love. I haven't even been in a relationship. this is my first ever but it just can't be explained in words. words are underrated compared to the feelings I get every time I'm with joe. I guess he's what I can say ice to my johnnie walker ;-) 

I've never seen someone so tolerating of my foul temper, someone who guides me along my pathetic little life, someone who stays up with me till dawn even tho he's dead tired just to hear me whine and cry and yak about nothings. someone who'll be so disappointed like a dad\mom would when I smoke, someone who always places me atop of others, someone who makes me smile just by looking. I don't know how I should say this but sometimes when I see him so serious reading the papers or writing, I get hit by a thought so fierce that dang, I can spend my whole life with this man. 

i know I've never experienced true love. my dating history isn't very bountiful but from the guys I've met and aquatinted, I'm safe to say joe is the best for me.

 joe is the father I never had, joe is the silent shadow that'll always be beside me no matter where my mood takes me, joe's the wise old soul that lectures me when I wander out of track, he's someone I want to spend my life with and this one lifetime alone will never be enough. 

sometimes the boredom eats you up pore by pore, follicle by follicle and you're left nothing but an empty carcass.

my mood is getting severely off the grid ( if there is one. ) these days. im afraid im near depression already. it's so tense I'm gonna burst. oh wait. i already have. may this phase be over soon.

..

have no idea where the mood is taking me. when i dig further in and explore what's giving me such a hard time, i can't seem to find any concrete reasons. mostly liquid-y substance that yearn for pity where there is no pity. not making much sense but it seems like tiny puny nothings are making me feel neglected and sad and lonely and just simply, wishful on the impossibles that could have been possible.

 on a lighter note, half year with joe is coming in exactly 16 days' time. don't know if i should celebrate it since we don't have the habits of goin thru the motions of monthsaries and what nots. but he's celebrated 201314 ( forgot when it was. but it's some chinese lovebirds day. translated to 爱你一生一世／死 im not sure. ) and then he celebrated my birthday and V' day. where i did nothing. ive never given him any gifts come to think of it which is why im wondering if i should bother at all with June 31st. ha ha ha, cos if i were to confirm it, then I'd have to throw away 6KG off my body to look presentable for the special occasion. should i go through such a hassle, i can't be sure of. 

for V day, all he asked of me were the three big words " i love you. " but i had to go through rounds of beers and wines to make me spit them out. and the next day i had to deny it evey time he asked me what i told him that night. it's not that i don't. love him i mean. i do, honestly i do, more than anyone, even i, could ever imagine. but it takes a huge ass amount of courage on my part just to say it.

 im just not used to opening up my emotions and feelings with people i love and care for. which always leads him thinking that i don't feel the way he does. anyway. im so much of a chicken at voicing my affections out loud that when i do feel the sudden urge to to say those 3 big words at certain points of time, i say " Elephant Juice. " really. try saying it. it's a substitute for " I love you. " ( for the deaf maybe but still. ) and when i feel more elephant juice than just elephant juice for him, i unselfishly and oh so generously throw him a " I love you...... 

..... TUBE !!!! "

chicken.

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